nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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