oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
