I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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