things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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