Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
