I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
