I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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