Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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