Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
