I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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