I must be too annoying 4 u.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
