I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize