conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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