I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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