If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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