Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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