I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
