at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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