It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
