I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
