You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize