Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
