I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
