The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
