i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
whose ass print is on the piano?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
