Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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