My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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