and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize