i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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