I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
