Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
