I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
