did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
