man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
