so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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