Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize