Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize