You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
