Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
