Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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