As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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