I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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