All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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