I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
