I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
