tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
