Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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