I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
