the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think i got beer on your cat.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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