News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
