woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
