Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
