Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
