my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
