I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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