Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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