he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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