Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
there's paper in my vomit.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
