you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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