You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just had sex on a roof
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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